What if you were able to end disagreements by recognizing patterns in a person? It’s normal to have disagreements when you’re in a relationship. I’m not talking about just a romantic relationship, but also friendships, acquaintances, family, work and community.
We’re unique individuals who have different identities, standards, upbringing, and values. So it’s not unusual that from time to time, we misunderstand each other.
Disagreements make us human. We’d be living like robots if we agreed on everything. But, wouldn’t it be great if we all knew how to skillfully interact with people even in disagreement, or in any situation that might lead to an argument?
For over 30 years, Steven Kessler has studied people and how to truly understand personalities. Now he joins me as he reveals the secret to understanding people by breaking it down to The 5 Personality Patterns.
“Each of us, while we’re caught in a pattern, is only seeing a slice of reality.”
When you’re willing to learn why someone behaves the way they do, you will see each situation at a 360-degree view. You’ll be able to communicate effectively because you’ve aligned yourself with them, and you can treat them the way they want to be treated. It’s like going to a foreign country and speaking to the locals in their own language, instantly creating a connection and an understanding.
“Everyone and every pattern wants to feel safe.”
Everybody has a way of making themselves feel safe in times of distress, which leads to certain behavioral patterns. Patterns are safety strategies that you use in uncomfortable situations. They lead to a cycle of triggers that you don’t intentionally get yourself into.
The Leaving Pattern – A person who stays in their head, who has not yet come into their body and developed a strong energetic edge. They are overwhelmed by big energies such as anger. When they’re in distress, they leave so they can feel safe again.
The Aggressive Pattern – A person with a strong will who makes things happen, but tends to dominate every situation to create a sense of safety.
The Merging Pattern – A person who focuses on connecting with people. They help and provide for others, though they can get clingy because they need attention to feel safe.
The Rigid Pattern – A person who focuses on the rules of life. Choice of words is crucial to them because they navigate through every situation with words and rules. When a different energy hits them, they contain it and not let it affect them by keeping themselves busy.
The Enduring Pattern – A person who endures every hardship and mistreatment. People who go into this survival pattern have a chance to get stuck, unable to assert themselves.
The Pattern’s Safe Space
Here’s a chart (insert hyperlink or screenshot of chart file) that shows what each pattern does to feel safer and what scares them.
Each person is known to have at least 2 patterns. There are no right or wrong patterns, but there are patterns that clash with each other. What someone does to feel safe may repel someone else’s way to feel safe.
Here are a few examples:
1. A spouse getting angry(aggressive pattern) and their big energy overwhelms their significant other, making them leave (leaving pattern)
2. A friend who cuts all communication(leaving pattern)while the other friend wants to connect with them (merging pattern)
“Learning yourself and your partner’s patterns is a love language.”
To understand is to love. In a romantic relationship, knowing what triggers you and your partner will help you both interact with each other better, without perpetuating a fight. In disagreements, instead of falling into the same cycle, you both sync into a rhythm that makes each other feel safe.
Achieving a sense of balance in your relationship will help you deal with distress instead of shifting into pattern. Once you know what your partner’s patterns are, instead of reacting the way you usually do, you’re aware of yourself and respond in a way that makes the other person feel safe.
If you’re in pattern and you’re aware, you can come out of it more easily. Once you’ve overcome it, you maintain your balance by forming healthier habits that actively acknowledge your tendencies. This way, you become more present in every situation.
Through understanding your own patterns and other people’s patterns, you’ll know what parts of yourself you need to work on, enabling you to grow as a partner, family member, co-worker and friend.
If you’re looking to understand yourself so that you can identify these patterns, you’re in the right place. The Coachable Masterclass on Identity is a FREE workshop to become a happier, more confident and more successful you in 90 minutes. You don’t have to wait for the future to become the best version of yourself now. This masterclass will teach you how to bring the future to you. Register here for the Coachable Masterclass: Identity
Tune in to the 2 part Coachable Podcast for even more on Personality Patterns! In Episode 1 , we break down each of the 5 personality patterns. In Episode 2, we talk about how each of these can impact your relationship. See you there!